The Capitalist and the Engineer

(Jan and Stan sit on stools, facing each other.)

Stan: Hi, I’m Stan

Jan: That’s cute.

Stan: What’s cute?

Jan: You’re Stan. I’m Jan.

Stan: Ha ha, yeah that’s funny. Stan and Jan. The Stan and Jan show. Do you think that is how they picked us to talk to each other?

Jan: (shrugging) Who knows?

(pause)

Jan: Well, I guess we are supposed to talk to each other?

Stan: Yeah, I think that’s what we’re supposed to do.

Jan: What do we talk about?

Stan: They didn’t really say. All they told me was that we sit in here for an hour, and talk.

Jan: Kinda weird. They give you $40?

Stan: Yep $40. I’m hitting a nice steak house after this. What are you doing with the money?

Jan: Nothing exciting, probably just paying the gas bill.

Stan: Yeah, that’s pretty boring. You should splurge. Live a little.

Jan: (shrugs)

Stan: Do you think they’re watching us right now? There aren’t any mirrors. I figured there would be one way mirrors.

Jan: Nah, that’s old school. It’s all about cameras now. There are hidden cameras and microphones; I guarantee it.

Stan: Well, no matter. I guess they can watch. Can’t imagine this being very exciting.

(pause)

Jan: I don’t know, seems pretty riveting to me. I hope we get a copy of the tape. I’m going to show my grand kids. (rolls eyes)

Stan: Ha ha, good luck with that.

(pause)

Stan: (looking at his watch) It's only been 5 minutes. This is going to be a long hour. These stools are hard. You know, whenever I sit on a stool I think of the doctor?

Jan: (looking puzzled)

Stan: That's what doctors call poop: stool. “Did you bring your stool sample?”

Jan: Are you serious? That’s disgusting! Let’s not talk about stool samples OK. That’s going to be my one rule for this hour.

Stan: Sorry, I know. That’s gross.

(pause)

Stan: (stares at the wall)

Jan: (stares at the floor)

Stan: So is that your only rule?

Jan: What?

Stan: You said no talking about stool. You said, “That’s my one rule”

Jan: So?

Stan: Well, what if I take off my pants?

Jan: Ah, What?! No! That’s rule number two. No getting naked. No doing anything stupid.

Stan: (laughing) I’m just kidding. Just trying to cut the tension. I swear it’s hotter in here than it was before. Let’s talk about something. This is going to take forever otherwise. We still have almost the full hour.

Jan: Fine. Where are you from?

Stan: OK, yeah. I am from Seattle. You?

Jan: Portland. So we’re neighbors. But we’re better than you. What year are you, what’s your major?

Stan: I wouldn’t say Portland is better than Seattle. Maybe weirder, but not better. I’m a Junior in accounting. You?

Jan: I’m a senior. In Chemical Engineering. Actually Chemical and Environmental Engineering. Double major.

Stan: Wow.. Not bad. Brainiac.

Jan: Not brainiac, just busy. It’s not that bad if you just put in the time.

Stan: Yeah, no thanks. I see you engineers huddled in the corners of the Thomas building between classes. Pouring over your equations. I bet they have to kick you all out at midnight.

Jan: They do. We just go somewhere else though.

Stan: Is that fun? I’d go nuts. I just don’t have the staying power.

Jan: It’s fine. It’s for a purpose. Gotta put in your time.

Stan: Well, I’m glad someone is willing to put in the time to learn that stuff. I'm too impatient. Accounting was the shortest major I could find. I'm going the business route.

Jan: So, you going to be a big wig company man?

Stan: Startup. As soon as I can. I am pitching ideas all the time. This is just something to do for a while. As soon as someone wants to fund me, I’m out of school. All the greats quit school. Zuckerberg, Gates, Jobs, Dell.

Jan: There isn’t anything you need to learn first? Before you go lead a company of people? You don’t think the degree is going to be important?

Stan: Nothing I can’t figure out. I’ll hire someone who’s done it before.

Jan: Gotcha. Learn on the job. Why are you even here at all?

Stan: Parents said they’d pay for college. It's a good place to network, find co-founders.

Jan: Fascinating. Well, I guess you got it figured out.

Stan: I guess you do too. Where are you going to work?

Jan: Not sure yet, hopefully something impactful. Clean water, waste removal, save the world. Something.

Stan: Nice. A humanitarian.

Jan: You’re not going to make me clean up after your new business are you? You’re going to be careful about the environment?

Stan: Yeah, sure. I’ll do it for you. I’ll dedicate a department to world saving. I’ll call it the Jan …

Jan: Smart

Stan: What?

Jan: That’s my last name, Smart.

Stan: (laughing) OK, yeah the ‘Jan Smart’ humanitarian department.

Jan: I’m flattered, but you can skip the department. Just don’t crap on the environment. That will be good enough for me.

Stan: Fair enough. I’ll see what I can do.

Jan: Thanks Stan …

Stan: Michaels

Jan: Stan Michaels.

(pause)

Stan: (looking at his watch) So what do you do for fun?

Jan: Fun? Ha, no time for that.

Stan: Right, party in the Thomas ‘till midnight every night.

Jan: (pointing at Stan with both hands) exactly!

(pause)

Jan: Wow, this is taking a long time. It is hotter, I can tell. But keep your clothes on, that’s the rule, remember?

Stan: Har Har. Yep, I remember. No poop talk and keep your clothes on.

Jan: And no starting a company that destroys the environment.

Stan: Right! I forgot already. Seems like you are making all the rules today.

Jan: I’m the reasonable one I guess.

Stan: That was clear from the start. Which is funny.

Jan: Why is that funny?

Stan: Oh nothing.

Jan: No really, what's funny?

Stan: It's funny because you’ll be working for me some day.

Jan: Oh, I doubt that!

Stan: Well, not you, but someone like you. Some engineer or programmer or some reasonable type, and I’ll be telling them what to do. Ha, I’ll be telling the reasonable one what to do.

Jan: I bet they’re going to love that.

Stan: Sure they will! We’ll have ping pong tables and scooters.

Jan: Ping pong and scooters?

Stan: Yeah, you know. We’ll have culture. They’ll feel like it’s a party every day. They’ll love it.

Jan: You think I’m into ping pong? Not sure that’s going to be the slam dunk you think it is. Maybe you should rethink your audience.

(pause)

Stan: And I’ll give them stock.

Jan: A piece of the pie, that seems fair. How much?

Stan: Not a full percent. We’ll split like a percent for all the employees.

Jan: Wow, now who’s the humanitarian?

Stan: That’s normal. It sounds bad, but it's normal. I swear.

Jan: Destroying the environment is normal too. Maybe normal isn’t great. So, what will you be doing to earn your keep, while your engineers are sweating it out for their share of a percent?

Stan: Well, I’m the one taking all the risk. That's my part. That's capitalism!

Jan: What risk? Taking money from your Dad, while you wait for someone else to give you more money?

Stan: Yeah, but what if the company fails?

Jan: You mean, you might have to find a real job like the rest of us!? Big Risk!!

(pause)

Stan: I’m starting to not like you very much. No more Jan Smart department. (grins)

(pause)

Jan: Wait.. what did you say your last name was? Michaels? That rich Dad paying for your college wouldn’t happen to be named Stan Michaels too? Are you Stan Micheals Jr.?

Stan: Yep.

Jan: Is that the same Stan Micheals that laid off 20% of the employees at Johnson’s Office Supplies?

Stan: You heard about that?

Jan: My Dad did. He was a director. He’s been out of work for a year.

Stan: I'm sorry.

(pause)

But that’s the way the corporate cookie crumbles, right?

Jan: Oh really? Tell me more about this cookie.

Stan: Michaels industries bought Johnson’s. Everyone knows that layoffs come after a purchase. Time to trim the fat.

Jan: Wonderful how that works. Now I have student debt because my parents can’t pay for college any more. You know how student debt works, right? It is like when a VC gives you money, but you actually have to pay it back -- even if you fail. How is that for risk?

Stan: Hey, you're the one studying engineering. That was your decision. You can start a business!

Jan: You have given me a lot to think about, Stan. Don’t call me about a job at your new ping pong palace. (looking at her watch, standing up) Looks like the time is up.

(Jan walks over to the door, which is still locked. She knocks, no one answers. She pounds, nothing. She walks back to her stool)

Jan: (breathing heavily, clearly bothered) Let’s just not talk, until they come let us out.

(pause: 20 minutes)

Stan: Where the hell are they!?

(pause: 20 additional minutes)

(Stan and Jan are sitting on the floor on opposite sides of the room, exhausted and angry.)

Jan: Well this is a crap show. What are they playing at? I’m filing a complaint with the university when we finally get out.

Stan: A complaint? I am filing a lawsuit! I’ll be calling my Dad’s lawyer as soon as I get out.

Jan: A personal lawyer, that must be nice. I can tell that life has been hard for you.

Stan: Hey, don’t get mad at me! I didn’t fire your Dad!

Jan: Close enough.

Stan: Whatever. I don’t feel bad for him. He should have had a fallback. Everyone knows that a job like that isn’t permanent. That just isn’t how it works anymore. People lose their jobs, they get new ones.

Jan: Sometimes they don’t.

Stan: Look, I’m sick of talking about this. What are we going to do about getting out of here?

Jan: We tried everything. Our phones aren’t getting a signal. Our knocks and screams haven’t worked. You even tried to break down the door with your stool sample!

Stan: (with a scowl) I’m not in the mood.

(silence)

Jan: This must be part of the experiment. Some kind of stupid Stanford Prison Experiment. They must be waiting for something.

Stan: Waiting for what?

Jan: (shrug)

Stan: They must have put us together for a reason. Do you think they knew my Dad fired your Dad? Maybe they want us to work it out.

Jan: Maybe. I guess it’s possible. But I don’t know what there is to work out? You’re a privileged little prick that comes from a family that exploits hardworking people.

Stan: Whoa horsey! That’s not getting us anywhere. I can’t help that I come from money. Plus we didn’t do anything that’s illegal?

Jan: Ethical and legal are two different things.

Stan: I guess we ought to start digging, because that’ll probably be faster than trying to work this out. You’re just bitter because you don’t want to play the game. You're smart, you could make yourself rich too, but you chose science. So stop the self-righteous act.

Jan: The world needs scientists.

Stan: And it needs businesses to give those scientists jobs. You’re welcome for giving you something to do.

(silence)

Suddenly, the door opens.

Experiment administrator: I am so sorry! We had a mix up with our shifts. We didn’t have anyone working when we were supposed to open the door for you!

Stan: This is absolutely ridiculous!

Experiment administrator: You are absolutely right! We are so sorry. We want to pay you for the additional time spent.

Jan: (suddenly perking up) Really, how much?

Experiment administrator: We want to pay you both $200 for your trouble.

(Jan and Stan exit the room. Jan first. Stan waits a second starring ahead at Jan, then follows. Experiment administrator is left shaking her head in embarrassment.)

Five years later.

(Jan’s phone rings.)

Stan: Hi, is this Jan Smart? It’s Stan Michaels. Do you have a second?

Jan: I'm sorry, who are you?

Stan: Stan Michaels. We met at a social psychology experiment about five years ago.

Jan: Oh, Stan the capitalist. I am not interested in talking to you. Did you not pick up on that vibe?

Stan: Yeah, I did. But I have been doing some thinking. I have some things I want to run by you. I think you might like them. You made an impression on me. Can we meet?